GCHQ Careers & Jobs

Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

Information is precious and the people of this great nation must not be sullied by the wrong kinds of information. Filling their heads with rotten, filthy ideas like liberty, justice and equality.

What would happen to the world if uppity plebs started learning how we take care of them, protect them from the dangers that beset us on all sides?

While most of the journalists at the BBC work for us, there remain a few upstanding “idealists” who still think journalism involves something other than dictation. Idiots. Just think–you could be down at the pub after an hour or two of transcribing the government position, instead of nose to grindstone, trying to undo all our great work.

We need editors. More of them. Good editors, who know what should and should not be published. The truth is a vile beast, unsuitable for consumption in a democracy. We protect the people of this great nation from terrorists, paedophiles, and above all else–the truth!


— Degree in journalism

— Strong sense of patriotism

— Expensive drug habit (preferably heroin or cocaine)


— corner office

— opportunity to crush young journalists’ hopes, and turn them into jaded cynics

— discounted drugs from our in-house supplier (if you want to control the drug trade, you have to be part of it, amirite?)

– salary: £35,000 – £40,000

Applicants will be asked to demonstrate their ability to scream at budding reporters, and will be rated in decibels and venom.