GCHQ Careers & Jobs

Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

We require an incredibly boring person who is unlikely to deviate from a script.

We installed an automated system to respond to all queries with a neither confirm nor deny. A recent glitch in the computer system caused it to malfunction. While it was a mistake on our part we will publicly attribute this to a hack by North Korea or China. The system admitted that we do mass surveillance in the form of bulk interception.

We now require an individual to return to the neither confirm nor deny response. You will also be required to remind judges and MPs that we will release sensitive information on them and the people they love if they ever scrutinise our work. You will need to remind members of the ISC more often. We know all the dirty secrets of the government, MPs and judges. No one will say anything about what we do.

Desirable skills

– enjoy working with people

– enjoys repeatedly saying the same thing


– Health care

– Gym

– Salary £25,000 – £30,000


Should you deviate from the script we will consider this an act of terror. Hey, we get to decide who the terrorists are and we will drone you and your family. No one will care because you are a terrorist not a person!