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Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

We at GCHQ pride ourselves on being the best at turning the ordinary meaning of a word on its head to justify our extremism and imperialism.

Recent acts by a traitor have exposed our approach. Britain is part of the USA so truth telling against our masters means they are a traitor here too.

We urgently need a team of cunning linguists to change the meaning of certain words so that our public statements, and those of our puppet MPs, become true. In the event that dictionary publishers do not agree to alter the meaning of words, we will order them to change the words or drone them.

The first round of words we wish to add meanings for are as follows:

  • Not wittingly = wittingly;
  • Security = insecurity;
  • Terrorist = journalist or anyone who disagrees with the British Values of mass surveillance, torture, internment, murder, drones and censorship;
  • Extremist = someone who disagrees with government extremism. Government extremism is not extremism;
  • Privacy = a private space where you can be alone with your government, other governments and/or companies; David Cameron wants to be able to read any of your communications that tickle his fancy.
  • Torture = torture by anyone else but us or our US masters;
  • Responsibly Deployed Encryption = the process of turing readable documents and communications into different text that is still readable by governments or companies; we love responsibly deployed encryption;
  • Strong Encryption = irresponsibly deployed extremist software that only those with something to hide would use; we hate strong encryption – booooo.
  • Rule of Law = Rule of secret law, secret interpretations and secret scraps of paper we find lying around. The waterline is irrelevant;
  • ISC = committee where members have lots of free time to court business offers from Chinese companies;
  • IPT = a tribunal for naughty judges to think about what they have done wrong before they are allowed back to play with the cool judges again;
  • Sovereignty = all countries are sovereign but some are more sovereign than others; technically only the USA has sovereignty and all other countries are waiting to be assimilated into the new order;
  • Oversight = a party with free tea and biscuits and some light karaoke;
  • Interception = when an individual in a Santa Claus hat looks at the content of a communication; collection, processing and reading of a communication is not interception if the person is not wearing a Santa Claus hat or it is not on their head properly.
  • Mass Surveillance = something other countries do but not the UK or USA; indiscriminate or suspicionless collection, processing and reading of content and metadata of the earth and the moon. Mass surveillance does not occur unless it includes the moon or is conducted by another country;
  • Metadata = data we find so valuable that we try to convince the public is trivial;
  • Warrant = love letter between the Home Secretary and the Head of GCHQ;
  • Robust = pathetic or meaningless;
  • Rigorous = see Robust;
  • Transparent = secret.


– travel to dictionary head offices to intimidate the publishers to include the new definitions above.

– making a lasting impression on the English language until we need to redefine it again.


– taxi home in case you miss your train.

– salary: £25,000 – £30,000