GCHQ Careers & Jobs

Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

We are looking to appoint a Dick-Pic Sheriff as part of our new Dick-Pic Program.

You will be required to analyse and sort images of dicks we have intercepted using our colleague’s (NSA) PRISM surveillance program. Dicks are to be categorised by size and shape. This program will help us to build our Central Dick Database (CDD), the world’s largest dick intelligence database.


– Background in geometry.

– Knowledge and experience with shapes of different dicks.

– Ability to differentiate between sizes of dicks in images.

– A moustache.


– Freedom to compare your dick with that of your friends and enemies.

– Ability to blackmail your enemies with their dick-pics.

Generally, you can expect a salary package in the range of £25.5k to £46k including bonuses depending upon your skills and experience; this may include a one off recruitment bonus.