GCHQ Careers & Jobs

Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

In the wake of the Paris attacks, we at GCHQ are envious of our French counterparts, who will now be able to codify into loi their silent coup d’etat.

So we are seeking to hire an emotion exploiter to study the situation in France to help us pass the Investigatory Powers Act.

We, the GCHQ, are considering a variety of options, and want an analyst to tell us which will be most effective:

— launch a false flag attack on British soil, blame it on the terrorists, and then restrict civil liberties even further

— bomb the shit out of the Middle East, and then look the other way when terrorists attack Britain

— do the Bacon Dance on Michaelmas Eve whilst wearing a pudding on our heads (our counter-terrorism expert tells us this is “terrorist-bane” and also wards off vampires better than garlic)

— bend over and let Uncle Sam take care of us.

Which shall it be?

Please have zero experience in political science, no knowledge of any foreign language, and preferably have never left Britain.

As part of your application, please include your favorite pudding recipe and original choreography for the Bacon Dance, along with a biochemical analysis of its utility vis-a-vis garlic with respect to both terrorists and vampires.