GCHQ Careers & Jobs

Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

In June of 2013, the British people were viciously attacked by a man named Edward Snowden. The gaping wound this terrorist has left on our collective psyche–the wound of knowledge–continues to pulse with the pungent puss-y vileness of journalism.

Operation Curable aims to heal this wound. GCHQ, along with MI5 and those idiot flat foots who give jaywalking tickets, aims to cure the British psyche of this damage to its collective flesh.

As a Spin Nurse, you will assist the Spin Doctor, Spin Anaesthesiologist, Spin Phlebotomist, and Spin Psychiatrist in this holistic full-body cure.

The British people have been deeply injured by this terrorist, and GCHQ will not stand idly by while this unwanted knowledge, like a disease, an infection, continues to fester and worm its way into our blood.

Apply now! No actual nursing experience required. Be loud, obnoxious, convinced of your own rightness, and have no sense of ethics. Ability to tell a bald-faced lie will put you ahead of the rest of the crowd.


— university education a must (plebes make poor liars, we find)

— bigoted

— put anything on your CV you like as long as you can convince us it’s true


— opportunity to work with the best liars in the world

— foreign languages a bonus

— video editing skills also a plus

— salary: same as the rest of the GCHQ, as must as you can steal without getting caught

Please submit a CV and your proof that 2 + 2 = 5.