GCHQ Careers & Jobs

Help us protect Britain from terrorists and paedophiles.

Do screams of pain turn you on? Does pulling out people’s fingernails make you hard? Does the thought of attaching car batteries to another man’s testicles excite you?

GCHQ seeks to support our allies in the Middle East. One of our long-time contract torturers is leaving–he has the DTs and keeps killing torturees prematurely–and our ally requires a replacement.

The apprentice will begin with executions by beheading. Not really torture, we know, but every apprentice has to start somewhere.

After you rack up a century of beheadings–not more than a year, we promise–we’ll move you on to more fulfilling work. Work that advances the cause of democracy and freedom of expression in the Middle East.